A news dispatch from Reuters this morning has confirmed that Saint Nicholas of Myra – more commonly known to the wider public as Santa Claus – has been taken hostage by former Grotto employee Badboy Trixie Cranberry who, unconfirmed reports state, has sent a full list of his demands through to the Government of the North Pole.
Among those demands, it is believed that Cranberry – thought to have converted to radical Islam last February according to Fox but who may actually be Russian according to CNN – is requesting 1 BTC as ransom payment, promising in return the immediate release of Santa Claus into safe hands to allow for the orderly resumption of Christmas.
Responding to the apparently confused mutterings of hostage negotiators who had initially answered that “The ransom seems a bit cheap to us, mate, have you got those numbers right?”, Cranberry replied “That was fackin’ 20 grand this time last year, mate, which is wot I lost wiv stickin’ all me fackin’ money into all these fackin’ ICOs.”
Sources close to Cranberry’s family have confirmed that he had indeed invested into at least three ICOs over the course of 2018. “One was a scam, one was a joke and the one wot actually looked like a proper fackin’ business – it ‘ad an actual address and telephone number, like – closed down after a phone call from da fackin’ SEC,” stated wife Casandra in conversation with ICOExaminer over Telegram this morning. “You couldn’t make this shit up,” she added, “although turns out most of it actually was.”
Asked whether her husband might be happy to accept ransom in any other cryptocurrency other than Bitcoin, Casandra responded: “I fink ‘e quite fancies a bit of dat ol’ Ripple, only fing is, ‘e couldn’t get it to work with ‘is MetaMask.”
Negotiations between Cranberry and the North Pole’s Serious Crime Squad appear to have reached deadlock, however, as Artic Circle authorities appear unwilling to cough up the necessary funds for Santa Claus’ release, potentially jeopardising the Christmas celebrations of over two billion children worldwide.
“Dude, every penny we had, we put into XYO,” stated one government spokesman who has asked to remain anonymous, “and when we say we gonna HODL, we MEAN we gonna HODL, especially now they got themselves that partnership with SpaceX.”
At the time of writing, Santa’s BTC ransom address remains devoid of funds, although Santa himself – believed to be of Greek origin but somehow speaking with an American accent these days – is apparently in reasonably good spirits, despite Cranberry’s own assertion that he is prepared to wait out the situation for as long as it takes for his demands to be met, adding “if I can wait out the EQUI ICO main sale, believe me, fellas, I can wait out anything.”